A few months ago, meaning six months ago, I was asked a question. I’ve had to sit, wrestle with and decide the answer to this question. The Lord and I have argued, fought, and I’ve questioned the question asked.
Why do this, it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense?
God, with all the grace and authority asked me right in the middle of it all, Alysa, will you trust me? Will you trust my heart and my intentions for you?
That’s a hard question for me to answer with a resounding yes, namely, if I may be honest with you, because where I lack a trust in the Lord is due to the wounds of experiences with people, and if I’m being more honest it’s been from my experiences with men (men maybe its women, and no this isn’t going to be turning into a bashing time, that’s not honoring, respecting, or loving despite what has happened, this is me sharing what God and I are walking through). I lack faith that His heart is for me, that His intention is pure and not manipulative, that He is a man of follow through and not a boy with empty promises, but what He says, He will indeed do and accomplish. That I can know without a shadow of a doubt that even on the roughest day He will still choose me. He will look at me and never waver, staying steadfast and faithful through it all, not leaving at the “first sign of trouble” but be willing to work through it with me, fighting for us with a resounding yes!
Now, you may be like, “Alysa, this all sounds like relationship problems.” Well my friend, that’s because it is. All my relationship problems stem from my experiences, I end up projecting those words, that unfaithfulness, that choice, decision made, conversation never had, lack of understanding, doubt, and mistrust back onto the Lord. Which in turn, seeps into my everyday life not just with Him, but with those around me, questioning, wondering, and allowing what I have deemed as truth to become my reality.
I start to believe that if I change this, if I do that, if I were more like her, talked more, asked less deep questions, wasn’t okay with sitting in silence, more out going…things would be different and change. I then in turn prostitute my personality and my identity as if that would fix the problem. Because really I have just shackled myself to the bonds of my own self affliction.
However, this year on my birthday the Lord spoke to me as I reflected on my past year and what I had been going through, saying “My Beloved, you have my yes.” I really didn’t understand what that meant, and am still figuring that out, but, as I’m typing this out right now, I’m beginning to understand a little bit deeper, and not just wider…that having His yes, means that I can face these lies, these doubts, these fears head on because He is risking His yes on me.
To which, when He asks me, “Alysa, will you trust me? Will you trust my heart and my intentions for you?” He is also asking “Will you risk your yes on me, even if it’s the hardest one you have to do?”
I want to boldly say yes back. But, again those lies, those festering wounds come back to haunt me. And then I just turn into a hypocrite, asking Him to choose me, trust me, say yes to me, but I, out of my own damn fear and insecurity can’t seem to muster it in return.
So, what if I were to actually face my fear, face the pain, the hurt, head on and walk through the valley instead of setting up camp? What if I were actually willing to commit to Him and abandon my “knowing” to get what He is saying? To actually risk my yes on Him time and time again, for He has not wavered, He has been faithful, true, honest, open, forgiving, and oh so accepting time and time again even when I haven’t.
Which, brings me back to the question that was asked of me six months ago, and has led me down a path of facing those fears, pains, hurts, lies, wounds, disappointments, and into the valley, because I decided to risk my yes…
The story will continue…
