Mastering Understanding
Dark. Hidden. Alone. I ponder my escape. Where can I go? Where can I flee to get away from the troubles that run through my mind, taking captive my thoughts? Hadn’t I managed to get away from you before? Wanting to run, but I can’t for the dark had it’s grimy fingers around me, whispering “I have you this time, trapped, there is no escape.” I wake from sleep suddenly. Heavy breathing, heartbeat racing. I get up out of bed and pull on my sweater, looking out the window I see the sun just starting to kiss the dark sky. Deciding to go outside I begin walking towards the sun’s rays. Not knowing what lies ahead, even though I’ve walked this road dozens of times before. I reach a hill and hop the fence to stand in the middle of the field. Fog slowly drifting off the blades of grass and into the growing daylight. I just stand there, silent, arms crossed, breathing slowly.
The sun kisses my face as it escapes between the branches of the trees that surround the field. Taking in a deep breath I look out around me, with what seems like the most clarity I’ve had in awhile. A soft gentle breeze comes from the North causing me to bundle a little bit more into my sweater. I hear a soft voice “lean not.” My thoughts are triggered “lean not on your own understanding” and sadly that’s what I’ve been doing, clinging so tightly to it, my understanding. For if I just gain mastery over that one thing, that one situation, this one circumstance then I’ll be more at peace. Yet, isn’t that why I’ve been told to trust in God and not my understanding? Where has it gotten me? Sleepless nights, distracted days and energy wasted on things that I cannot control.
“Be Still and Know” I hear as the wind softly brushes against my face. “Be still and know” I echo out loud. Know that I don’t have to do this on my own. Know that He is God and all I need to do is be here in this moment, in this space with Him. To abandon all I know, and what pushes me is rooted somewhere in between misunderstanding and knowing. Knowing that what I want to understand is not within my reach. Not knowing what lies ahead. Can I go the distance? Can I give all my mind to get what the Messenger is saying? Can I surrender my knowing?
Will I survive the humility of ignorance to obtain an treasure earthly gold cannot buy? Can I ask the question of honesty even if the answer convicts my soul and sends me to the land of repentance? So many thoughts flood my mind and as I stand in the field I see a flock of wild birds, and how strange it is that their eyes are full of clarity. For they don’t know where they will end up today, they just know that the day has begun. To go about as free as them, not worrying what the next moment may bring, a free bird.
I come back to reality and the sun has risen fully. Wherever it was I was supposed to be this morning–whatever it was I said I would be doing–I was standing at the edge of the field–I was going through my own soul, opening its dark doors–I was leaning out; I was listening. Listening for the understanding and slow steady steps of clarity. Yet, as I walk away from the field towards home, I don’t have any clarity, but I’m oddly okay with that. I’m okay, for the first time in a long while. For rather than the uneasiness of uncertainty, there is a peace that transcends all understanding. And that is what is far more beautiful, far more fulfilling, and far more life giving than anything I could ever figure out. To be still and know whose I am and who He is.
