Over the past few months the Lord and I have been arguing…A LOT! I have been reluctant, stubborn, angry, and so unsure of why He has been asking me to do what He has been. We have been going on more walks lately, even though I usually run, this time though God was telling me “slow down and let’s talk.” These walks aren’t the pleasant “let’s go watch the sunset together” they have been filled with tears, kicking of plants, and lots of throwing of pinecones (yes, pinecones, that don’t really go anywhere…frustrating). I’m sure if you were to witness me on these walks you would pretty much think I was insane, asking “why is she kicking those plants, throwing those pinecones, and sitting in the middle of the street?”
To be fully transparent with you, I have been in a pruning process of releasing control, being okay with my questions unanswered, and truly trusting Papa’s heart and His intentions for me. You see over the years that I have believed in Christ, I’ve always been told to pray and ask Him the desires of my heart. Yet, as I have, they have always seemed to be rejected, tossed to the wayside, and just disregarded. I remember on one of the first walks I took, I felt this rage in me, and rather than stuffing it down I let it come out and I asked Papa “Why do you allow fear to win? Why does it seem like it always triumphs? How come you are allowing this to happen yet again? What have I done wrong?”
I’ve been questioning God, His goodness, His faithfulness. I’ve gotten angry telling Him my disappointments, and where I feel like He has failed me, and wondering why I should even give Him the desires and dreams of my heart if I believe that really they are just being disregarded. For the first time though, I’m actually allowing myself to be angry with God, it’s a strange feeling, a paradox to me, because, why should I be mad at Him when He has only been good to me? Well…Jesus showed me that really I have been holding in so many of my disappointments and instead of giving them to Him, I was allowing them to fester in my heart and have become embittered to Him, deeming Him untrustworthy.
Truthfully I’ve though that I wasn’t really allowed to come to Him with those things. Reason being is because, we never talked about it in church, in my family, with my friends, or really ever. Because, why would we talk about how we actually have permission to be angry, upset, disappointed, etc, with God? In fact as I have been walking through this process it’s become very apparent to me that Papa wants that with us, to truly come to Him with everything. I know it seems elementary to state, I’ve even thought to myself “shouldn’t I have already learned this? Don’t I already know this?” And yet, as I keep thinking over and over in my mind I don’t actually come to Him as David did, or like many in the Old Testament, weeping, truly giving their all to Him no matter what the feeling, the thought, the circumstance was. And yet, He always met them there.
It’s been a hard, difficult process, and I am no means done, its going to continue. But, the beautiful thing is that it’s also become some of the most intimate times I’ve ever had, as I’ve told people its been a beautiful broken mess. Because in truth just as in any relationship we have, He wants us to come to Him, argue with Him and ask Him all the things we don’t understand, the frustrations, the hurt, the pain, all of it! And the amazing thing is that He can handle it.
The picture I get is that of Hosea 2:14-15 where God says “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will giver her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope…” Yes, the wilderness where I have to lay it all bare because I have nothing left. Where I have to trust Him above all else, and He will meet me there; in the mess, the struggle, the fight, the anger, the doubt. Because there His love is most tender, for not once has He scolded me, or called me a fool, or pointed blame on me. No, He has gently, tenderly broken me all the more so that I may understand I’m never going to understand in my own time, rather I can come to Him as Hannah, David, Solomon, Jeremiah, Isaiah, and so many others, with faith. Because maybe that is the point, for if I understood Him, why would I follow Him?
