Someone once wrote to me saying “Alysa, I’ve learned a lot from you. I’ve learned what love and relationship look like. You urged me to be bold. You’ve pushed me to look past the surface. You’ve challenged me to listen for His voice. You have a beautiful confidence in who you are that sets the standard around you. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt. You have a heart of vulnerability and love that will be broken over and over, but people need what you have.”
I was flattered, I didn’t really know what to say, and in all honesty I still don’t. Because, it’s true I have been hurt time and time again and it’s become a question in my mind, am I doing something wrong? Am I loving too much? Trusting people too much? I don’t really know…it’s a conundrum really. The question that also has kept reeling in my mind is, do people really need what I have? What do I have that they possibly might want?
I’ve been told to stop, that I would be far better off if I chose to live life not so freely. A good hearted person told me once that boundaries are there for a reason, to which I asked, “Well what if those boundaries start to become walls and barricades; ‘safe havens’ for us to survive in? We aren’t meant to live behind, in, or around those, we are meant to live beyond them! For I see the benefit in them, but then I’ve also seen the abuse of them for some people and rather than helping they begin to hinder.”
Again, looking at that note today, as I type these words I still don’t have the answer. I don’t understand, maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I’ll understand why I should choose to love the least, the neglected, choose to see the hope inside of people and call it out, cherish the sweet little moments, looking for the potential in people and helping them walk it out, and continual loving even when one doesn’t deserve it. Yes, one day it’ll all make sense. One day I’ll be able to see that the reason for those tears, the reason for the pain, the strife, the questioning of it all had a purpose. Even if that meant a seed to be planted, a simple truth to be imparted, or for someone to understand for the first time that they without a shadow of a doubt are loved unconditionally.
Yes, maybe that’s been the point to choose to love even when I’d much rather slap them in the face, or kick them in the shins, or throw rocks at them (don’t worry just small pebbles, I’m not going back to the stone ages 😉 ). I don’t really understand how Jesus did it, how He was able to walk around and still love those who cursed Him and rejected Him. How He could still choose to say “Father forgive them…” or even still give the gift of the Holy Spirit when all left Him. For we never have deserved any of this. We never have deserved the other cheek, the gift of grace and mercy, the gift of another chance. Yet, in all the redemption and goodness of who our God is, He has deemed us completely and totally worthy! Worthy of unconditional love even when I choose to sin, when I choose to step into the muck and then cry out, “help me!” There He is with His hand extended, saying, “I’m right here.” Just as in the Garden of Eden at the fall, choosing to still love Adam and Eve, to clothe them and to give them a place to go, and to still offer them hope.
To which I say, “God, how am I to still choose to love this person when I feel used? God, how am I to still choose to love this person when I’ve been rejected and judged without ever getting known? God, how am I to still choose to love this person even when they have lied to me over and over again? God, how am I to still choose to love this person when I just don’t see the point in it anymore?” It’s funny really because as I continued to ask God these questions, He oh so gently reminded me that “Alysa, it’s not by your strength, but mine. Not by your will, but mine. Not by your understanding, but mine. And my dear, know this, you have been commanded to love me with all your heart, all your mind, with all of who you are and it is through that choice to love me that you are able to love those around you with the same way I choose to love you.”
Right. God chooses to love me everyday. Just as I have the choice to love. I feel like by now we all have heard “love isn’t a feeling, but it’s a choice.” Yes, choosing to love people is painful and when you love with your whole heart, it’s risky. Yet, it’s really brave to love people this much…like Jesus did. For we are created in His image for greater things, to love and to be loved.
Love, it costs a lot. For God it cost His Son. For Jesus it cost His life. For the disciples it cost their lives. And even in the midst of it, they all knew love’s value and saw how, yes, painful at times, hard, and difficult, it was a beautiful choice to live that way, and far more rich than the best treasure you could imagine. For us it costs to be in this world, but not of it. To also die to our flesh and to love from the overflow of His heart. Do you see its value though?
Because at this point I have two choices to either choose to become numb and calloused or to choose to love with abandon. And, personally, life is so much sweeter and grander to not live it numb. To be rejected time and time again. To love until it hurts and to be broken over….and over. And it’s worth the cost.
